I have just turned thirty. I dreaded turning thirty. It seemed to me a verdict of the life I had so far lived and that if I were to stand in front of a panel of judges and defend those thirty years on earth, I would be found lacking and incomplete. In my heart, I felt I lived a life that had so far been shallow, fruitless and myopic. I had nothing to show for it, no career, no money, no husband and little kids, no house of my own, nothing to show for the thirty years I had lived. For two weeks prior to turning this dreaded age, my heart was heavy and energy was flagging. These two weeks had been filled to the brim with events and emotions that further aggravated my already downtrodden heart. I kept saying goodbye to the people with whom I shared the past year of my life with and riding an emotional rollercoaster ride.
I dreaded turning thirty. I felt that after I jump that line between being in the young twenties and into the matronly thirties, that I would no longer be the same person. That there will be expectations of me that I would never be able to satisfy anymore because the time to accomplish those had already passed. That people would look at me, shake their heads, and say, she is already thirty and yet she is not yet married and she will surely be an old maid.
In class, we talked about doing and being. When I started reading about Manuel from Paolo Coehlo's book "Like the Flowing River" and we started talking about doing and being, I felt that an arrow had been shot directly to my heart. That my past had been immersed in the doing the busy things and that I have not achieved any of the elusive dreams that other people deemed to be worthy dreams.
My heart was heavy.
I was sad.
I was a leaky faucet.
On the eve of my birthday, my AIM Filipino friends took me to dinner. EJ kept looking at me and asking me why I so quiet. He said he was not used to my lack of energetic verve in such gatherings. I looked at the faces of my friends and saw their love for me through the conversations we had around the table, through the smiles they have for me, through the gift they gave me, through the touch of their hands when they got up to kiss me and greet me a happy birthday. The burden on my heart somewhat lessened.
At ten minutes before the stroke of midnight when the clock bells would ring to announce the advent of the dreaded birthday, I went down to the poolside. Hari, my can-mate, had emailed the MBA cohorts, to please gather by the pool to celebrate my birthday. When I went down to the pool, I saw so many people my heart began to soften. I saw their smiling faces and the eagerness by which they seem to wait for me to cut the cake. They sang so boisterously and loudly my birthday song. Whistles and shouts seemed to reverberate in my ears as I was cutting the cake. Hari took a piece of cake, fed me a bite and then smeared the rest onto my face. Then they pushed me into the pool.
This was how the Indians usually celebrate the birthday of any Indian classmates we have.
I was the first Filipino in our cohort to celebrate a birthday Indian style. The cheers that greeted me made me feel as if I was also treated as one of them. That they look past my race and consider me one of their own. The burden in my heart somewhat eased.
Afterwards, after all have calmed down, I was talking to one of my very closest AIM Indian friend. He told me, and I will never forget this, KT, why are you sad? You have so many people who love you. Do you see how many people were concerned this past two weeks that you were looking down and sad? Do you realize the number of people who came to wish you happy birthday and how happy they were to greet you? How many people came to you to give you comfort because they saw you looking sad? Why are you sad? You should be happy because of this. What are you worried about? All these inconsequential things that are muddying up your mind, these are things you can accomplish at any age. But you should not be sad because you have reached an age where you have so many people caring for you and loving you. At that moment, when he told me this, the burden in my heart eased.
I have come to a realization of my own. That the angst I had about turning thirty was nothing but vanity on my part. That I was preoccupied with the doing. I forgot to remember that I have much to be grateful for because in the past thirty years, I was BEING. I am being the daughter my parents wanted me to be, the sister who took care and loved her siblings, the friend, the lover, the confidant, the mischief, the teacher and the student. Throughout my life, I have lived in the moment, with the past not tainting my enthusiasm in being at that moment, with the expectations of the future not hindering me from taking the joy of being in the moment, and the present reminding me of how joyful it is to be alive. I have never held a grudge against anyone nor have I ever let my anger to linger for more that a few hours. I hold the laughter to the last moment in my heart to prolong the happiness it brings. I perpetually think the glass is half full. I wake up each day and thank God that another morning has come.
And now that I am thirty, I feel as if I am free. Free to be who I am regardless of how old I am because I have always been, and hope to always be, a person who is BEING.
In being, I must not forget who I am inside and to continue to search for myself. Because I am not static. I continue to evolve, develop and grow. Comparing me to an onion is not a bad analogy. I have layers upon layers of me. But unlike an onion, that only when you peel the outer layers can you begin to see what is inside, I feel that in the values I hold dear, the motivations and desires that I have, the strengths and weaknesses that make me a part of humanity, are reflections and a testimony to the true me.
I do not deny that I do have my defensive walls to keep my heart from being battered by the indisputably cruel world we have, but neither do I insulate myself from the pain that living life gives. I find that for all the pain that I go through, after each ordeal, trial or tribulation, I will find myself waking up one morning and seeing the sunshine in my life. And I know that the storm has made me appreciate that there is warmth in the sunlight, that light has chased away the shadows, and that life will continue in manner even better than before because the storm has washed and cleansed the spirit.
I take joy in listening to music and singing. I am an off-key singer, but then it does not hinder me from singing joyfully in the shower nor does it prevent me from the peace singing hymns in church gives me. All these emotions come from my heart. I say this because I know it to be true. My eyes water when I hear the hymns singing to my heart and I feel a tugging pain in my chest when I see someone hurting.
I take a look at who I am. I see myself full of shortcomings. From my vanity, to my ego, to my selfishness, to my laziness, to my meanness and to my greediness, I see how these things influence how I act, react and be. On the other side of the coin, I know myself to be caring, compassionate and loving. I take at who I am and I accept myself. I look in the mirror and know that despite these shortcomings, the good far outweighs the bad. I know this because I know I am loved.
Knowing myself and accepting myself directs me to my true north. I don’t know where it is. But I believe that the true north is not the destination. It is the journey. The readings say that the true north is my fixed point, that it represents what is most important to me, what my passions, motivations and sources of satisfaction are, my fixed point, my values and the commitment of a lifetime of learning. My true north is the lifetime of mistakes that I have committed, the heartaches I have endured and given, and the difficulties I lived through and dished out. My true north is the happiness I gave my parents, the sharing with my siblings, the self I gave to my friends, the passion with which I worked and played and the earnestness of the decisions I have made. I say these are my true north because in every mistake, pain, difficulty, happiness, sharing, passion and earnestness, there within each is the essence of my being. And that is founded on the belief that God loves me and that I am in His hands, continually being molded and that I am allowed to make mistakes because only through them can I learn and grow. My true north is my faith.
It is not easy to always live an upright, ethical and righteous life all the time. There are so many temptations that come our way and it is so easy to succumb and most of the time I do succumb. But my true north dictates that even through moments of weakness, to never forget that I am who I am and that my sojourn into temptation can be overcome.
I take stock of who I am now, today.
I no longer find myself lacking. The past year has been an action packed year. I learned so much, met so many incredible people, experienced such highs and lows, went through turmoil and euphoria, and most of all lived. Through the busy doing, assignments, projects, presentations, cases, I found myself being. And this is manifest in the friends who were there in my lowest moments as well as the highest. I find it evident in the confidence and regard they give me in the capacity of being one of the section’s presidents. I get approached more often than I can remember by people who want their concerns and issues taken to the admin or faculty. Despite this position, people still look at me as friend and not just someone they can ask for a favor from. I learned a lot about leadership in the past one year. I learned that in order to lead anybody, may it be just one person or an entire group of people; one must first recognize that you and the people you are leading are no different from each other. Both have the same desires, concerns, issues and wants. When you know how they feel, then you know how to show them the way or at least to walk with them towards the goals, resolutions and objectives.
Thirty. A number that does not define who I am. I now have no heaviness in my heart nor a cringe on my mouth when I think of my age. I have been on a journey of being and for that brief period of time I was bogged down by the illusory thought of me just doing. I am happy I cleared my mind and heart from the fog of this illusion. I understand myself more now and I accept myself more. I know that as I continue to age, I will face crossroads upon crossroads that will render my heart and soul in two, but I know that the decisions I will make will ultimately be the right decision because I have lived my life being. In my continued journey, I know I will keep myself in doing and doing, mundane busy things that play up to the perception of others, but it won’t pull me down anymore because I know I also take joy in doing because doing does not keep me from being. I learned that there is no final destination or ultimate success in life. Each day is a success because each day we ran the gamut of emotions from the time we wake up to the time we fall asleep. From each disappointment or hurt that I experience everyday, I know there is a corresponding joy and triumph all the more sweeter because of those pains and difficulties.
Money, career, properties, these are all good indicators of the material success that one can have. I would love to have these. But then, I am no longer overwhelmed with the need to make these things the ultimate measurement of my success. As I turned thirty and looked at the faces of the people who celebrated with me, I realized that success is accumulating the love and regard your fellow man has for you. For their love will show you how you have become successful as a human being.
